Hulk Angry!

I've been dealing with my problems with anger for some time. Multi-layed, deep-rooted shit that, in spite of the awareness I've attained in the past few years, still comes over me from time to time like a trainwreck. There is a scene in the new "War of the Worlds" where Tom Cruise and his kids are at a railroad crossing and a burning train hurtles past them. My anger, at its worst, is like that train.

Don't get me wrong, I've come very far in understanding and addressing a lot of my issues but that doesn't prevent them from resurfacing every now and again. I get upset, not at the fact that they resurface, but that I allow them to undermine me. This is where I need to better learn to detach and find ways to move past it.

One thing that I have become acutely aware of in recent years is how much my physical state governs my emotions. Not that I believe that things like PMS, with the increase of hormones, actually create emotions like anger. I just feel that they make me physically vulnerable to experience them more readily and intensely. Paying attention to how I am feeling physically has helped tremendously in keeping my emotional levels balanced. Changing my diet has definitely gone a long way in keeping me not only balanced but also bringing me to a place where I could begin to examine some of this long buried crap.

Another step that I am working on is working through the everyday frustrations and not letting them get beyond a certain point. In the past, I would seethe until I eventually just erupted and in some cases those eruptions would last for months! Lately, I've been trying to step back from my frustrations momentarily to see what is really bothering me about the situation and what can I actually do about it. However, I haven't gotten to the point where I can let go of it when it is beyond my control. That's a tricky one. Acknowledging that in many cases I don't have any control is a big source of anger for me.

Today at work I was successful in detaching from anger. Instead of seething at my co-worker and supervisor, I reminded myself that staying with that emotion actually didn't do anything but harm me. It didn't make them change from who they are, it didn't stop them from what they were doing but it did make me absolutely miserable. What was the fucking point?! I also saw that a number of the frustrations stemming from them actually related back to me. For instance, I was angry at having to listen to my supervisor "glad-hand" his way through a meeting. Not only was his voice loud and disruptive but he wasn't even really saying anything. Outside of the noise irritation, most of my frustration comes from the fact that I am unhappy professionally. No amount of seething at my supervisor is going to change the fact that I need to move on. Let's call it for what it is! I need to stop using others as a springboard for dealing with my own unhappiness!

On another note- I loved the Incredible Hulk TV show! I thought it was always really sad at the end when Bill Bixby would walk down the road, undone by his anger, to yet another town where no one knew him or his "problem". I had a slight crush on Lou Ferrigno. I have absolutely no idea why! I look at pictures of him then as the Hulk, all green with that crazy, square wig. It makes no sense. The hulk costume is hysterical! I love the perfectly shredded pants that hung down in strips.