Kill All Robots!


I've started to address my need to control everything in my life. This has been a part of me for as long as I can remember. In fact, at one point, I remember actually saying to myself, in a very Scarlett O'Hara sort of way, that I was never going to appear as if I didn't know what I was doing, ever again. I think that was my first week in high school when I was determined to put behind me the social torture of jr. high, once and for all.

Control issues were obviously present in my life before that particularly defining moment, but it's interesting to me that we are actually concious of our need to control more than we would care to admit. As I begin to look into my life and my actions, it is unbelievable to me how often I tighten the reins on myself and others.

The various ways of control are also completely fascinating to me. The title of this post comes from how I physically and emotionally withdraw around my immediate family to the point where my husband has described me as acting like a robot. It's really strange because I was (and I'm hoping still am) one of the most animated people, especially within my family. It just got to a point where I could no longer keep up the charade around them and stopped trying.

Copping out that way is one thing, controlling them through my cop-out is another. It's scary because although I can see how I am acting towards them, I can only observe it. I don't know how to let go. The dynamics and my control are so strong that it's easier to maintain the dysfunction than it is to change. Don't get me wrong, I want to very much but it's that first step of letting go. That one's a killer.

For me the most frightening thing would be to find out who I was if I wasn't telling or showing everyone how I wanted to be seen, constantly. What would happen if I just took the risk and let go, but in a positive way? I have lived my live as a giant "fuck you!" to the rest of the world. What would it be like if I were to stop that and let go?

Control makes things static. Nothing in life is static.