Upside-down, Inside-out, and Round and Round

I don't know if it is due to the endless fucking rain or if I'm just yet again face-to-face with myself but I am having one of those days where I'm not certain about anything! For instance, I look at my last post on intimacy (within the context of conversation) I totally question whether I have a real sense of intimacy at all.

Here's what I do know, I do know that I am a very open person. I feel comfortable with myself to be upfront with another on just about anything. I'm not embarrassed by another's personal details and for the most part I do not sit in judgment or at least I work hard not to. For me, that makes for some pretty interesting conversations.

What I am reconsidering is what is my understanding of intimacy in these situations? Now before I go any further, please note that I'm not referring to established, "intimate" relationships. I'm talking about intimacy within our day-to-day encounters, with co-workers, associates, and strangers.

I think that as Americans existing in a VERY open culture, we are accustomed to saying whatever comes to mind or expressing whatever we may be feeling. Other cultures don't do this. Most other cultures, including other Western cultures have established ways of behaving and expressing themselves. We don't. It's a fucking free-for-all! And to not be able to express ourselves in the way that we need to is an infringement upon our rights.

What does this have to do with intimacy? Well, intimacy becomes involved because in our right to express ourselves we feel that we can share just about anything with anyone and it not only be appropriate but also somehow be completely understood and valued. In our minds this establishes an intimacy. In fact, the best way to find out something personal about someone is to share something personal with them about you. Most people feel compelled to return the gesture. Is this intimacy? Not really because intimacy has more to do with an established honesty between others and not simply the sharing of personal details. By this definition, there isn't a whole lot of intimacy amongst us.

That's where I am beginning to finally understand my own struggles, that is because I choose to be open with my feelings the expectation will always be that I will be respected and that I will be accepted and understood. Not so! First and foremost, I have to understand that it is my choice to share personal thoughts and feelings with others but until I let go of any expectation I may have of how others receive me, I'm going to be very disappointed.

There are so many ways to establish an honest intimacy. I want to discuss this further in future posts.